it's been a while {again} since i've updated this thing.
between my kiddos and my own terrible summer, things have been pretty hectic.
i'm always one to be sort of an open book, i pretty much try to be as
thinly veiled as possible. i've always thought "if my openness and honesty can help
someone, then i'll be as open and honest as possible." sometimes, even to a fault.
so here we are.
it's almost september 2015! does that blow anyone else's mind?
some kids are already back in school and others will be starting soon.
now, i've been out of school for a minute or two but i DO remember how difficult
it can be.
add to it now the pressures of social media and i feel like that difficulty is compounded
by a bazillion. {yes. bazillion.}
i myself have recently decided to go back on antidepressant medication.
this isn't something i'm doing lightly.
in the past i would immediately take the word of my doctor and do whatever they said
was best. as i've gotten older i have realized that only i know what's best for me and
as much as i hated to admit it, my depression has been getting the better of me and
i needed to address it. if not for me then for my kids.
to be a good mom i need to be a happy mom and all of my crying all the time
isn't leading to me being very involved or productive.
between trying to care for my household and run my business it's all i can do to breathe
some days. anxiety is very very real and can be very hard to live with.
which leads me to BACK TO SCHOOL...
weird transition maybe but hear me out.
anxiety.
i was on facebook this morning and a friend had posted that her young daughter actually missed a day of school already because she had such terrible anxiety she couldn't get her to go to school.
i knew exactly how she felt. the mom and the daughter.
as an adult there are still days i can't even get myself to leave the house because i have such terrible anxiety about being around people. what will they think about me? will they be laughing behind my back? what if i say something stupid? what if they think i'm a bad mom?
i mean. seriously. things that i guarantee NO ONE would be judging me about but i still worry.
so take a poor kid going in to school thinking those things...
add the pressures of social media and the fact that kids are just growing up WAY too fast
and i can't even image how hard it can be to go back to school.
so as our kids go back to school i challenge you this... encourage them to be accepting.
not only of others but of themselves.
talk with them.
show them that they need to be an advocate for their peers.
if they see someone struggling, be a friend.
if you see someone being bullied, speak up.
tell an adult if you need to.
no kid should be scared to go to school, for any reason.
let's all work together to make this a great year for our kids and their peers.
if they're too concerned about how others think of them they're NOT going to be
focused on learning and they'll struggle in more ways than just dealing with their
classmates.
all the best,
M
Friday, August 28, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
...keep trying.
I've been working on this blog post for a while now.
I've tried to post a couple times, but after getting entirely through the
post I was just unhappy with the message and deleted it.
So.
I'm trying again.
A message that's been weighing on my heart lately is understanding our unique perspectives.
Likely you're all aware of that darn dress debacle. Is it gold and white or blue and black?
It fascinated me to see how differently we could all see the same object, and not just HOW
we saw but how adamant and down right defensive folks got... over a photo of a dress.
I mean. Really?
I've been in counseling since I lost my mom in January. As much as I hated
the idea of having to turn to someone for help... it's been something that has allowed
me to see myself from another perspective and is also giving me tools and strength
to help others when they need it.
I had a really beautiful, lovely woman message me the other day and opened up to me
about how she's struggling right now. I have no doubt in my mind that had I not started
this project, she would never have thought to contact me. I hope with every ounce of my
being that I've been helping her the past few days and I'm so thankful for the perspective
to be able to do so.
Our lives are so crazy sometimes. I've been through some stuff in my life. Things I never
thought I'd be able to share with others, let alone strangers... but it has occurred to me that
those "things" that I've dealt with. The pain. The disappointment. The self loathing.. they
have given me a very unique insight to how others are feeling and I can be a source of
comfort. Kind of a "if I can make it through these things, so can you."
And in the other light... share with others the happiness, the joy and the bliss that comes
into your life. You won't ever get to those happy times if you give up during the depression.
Perspective.
It all comes back to perspective.
A lot of things impact our views. Religion. Society. Environment. Family. I mean, basically
anything IN your life can very much effect your views on various things. I have grown up around
alcoholics and addicts, both recovering and using... so I have a lot more of an opinion {right or wrong} on those types of people than others may have. Things that have directly effected you have shaped you. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We all live different lives, even if we're living parallel.
Take my brother for instance, we had identical upbringings. Same parents. Same experiences. Yet, he's a couple months shy of getting out of prison after a seven year sentence and I have never been in trouble with the law in my life. Am I a "goodie two shoes?" No. Absolutely not. But I've kept my mistakes out of the illegal realm.
I think the difference lies in me seeing others making the big mistakes and learning from them.
They say "insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results."
I couldn't agree more.
Especially when it comes to mental health, depression and suicidal tendencies. There was a period of time I would wake up every day, so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. My husband actually had to call in and miss work because I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a child. I'd lay there and cry and wonder why I couldn't feel better? Why can't I be happy? What was wrong with me? Crippling depression. But looking back now I can also see I wasn't TRYING to feel better either.
When you're in the midst of it thought, it doesn't feel like you have a choice to try to feel better. That's where it's scary. That's when people take their lives. When you're so out of touch with the world and reality, when you absolutely FEEL down to your bones that you're life is not worth living... when you feel like there is no reason to go on. It seems like the "easy" way out is to just end it. But if you can distance yourself enough from those feelings and see WHAT the repercussions would be to ending it. How it's a permanent decision when the problem is usually temporary. If you can change your perspective... even if it's for just a moment, you can see that things can get better.
Every day is a struggle for so many people. No one's life is perfect. Finding ways to cope with your emotions, thoughts and memories. Those are the best chances you'll have at bringing happiness back to your life and moving on in a beautiful and positive way.
You may eventually be the person helping someone else in life. You may be the one using YOUR story to encourage and potentially save others. But you have to be here to do that. The world needs you. We all need each other.
#WeAllMatter
xoxo Mandi
I've tried to post a couple times, but after getting entirely through the
post I was just unhappy with the message and deleted it.
So.
I'm trying again.
A message that's been weighing on my heart lately is understanding our unique perspectives.
Likely you're all aware of that darn dress debacle. Is it gold and white or blue and black?
It fascinated me to see how differently we could all see the same object, and not just HOW
we saw but how adamant and down right defensive folks got... over a photo of a dress.
I mean. Really?
I've been in counseling since I lost my mom in January. As much as I hated
the idea of having to turn to someone for help... it's been something that has allowed
me to see myself from another perspective and is also giving me tools and strength
to help others when they need it.
I had a really beautiful, lovely woman message me the other day and opened up to me
about how she's struggling right now. I have no doubt in my mind that had I not started
this project, she would never have thought to contact me. I hope with every ounce of my
being that I've been helping her the past few days and I'm so thankful for the perspective
to be able to do so.
Our lives are so crazy sometimes. I've been through some stuff in my life. Things I never
thought I'd be able to share with others, let alone strangers... but it has occurred to me that
those "things" that I've dealt with. The pain. The disappointment. The self loathing.. they
have given me a very unique insight to how others are feeling and I can be a source of
comfort. Kind of a "if I can make it through these things, so can you."
And in the other light... share with others the happiness, the joy and the bliss that comes
into your life. You won't ever get to those happy times if you give up during the depression.
Perspective.
It all comes back to perspective.
A lot of things impact our views. Religion. Society. Environment. Family. I mean, basically
anything IN your life can very much effect your views on various things. I have grown up around
alcoholics and addicts, both recovering and using... so I have a lot more of an opinion {right or wrong} on those types of people than others may have. Things that have directly effected you have shaped you. Good or bad. Right or wrong. We all live different lives, even if we're living parallel.
Take my brother for instance, we had identical upbringings. Same parents. Same experiences. Yet, he's a couple months shy of getting out of prison after a seven year sentence and I have never been in trouble with the law in my life. Am I a "goodie two shoes?" No. Absolutely not. But I've kept my mistakes out of the illegal realm.
I think the difference lies in me seeing others making the big mistakes and learning from them.
They say "insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results."
I couldn't agree more.
Especially when it comes to mental health, depression and suicidal tendencies. There was a period of time I would wake up every day, so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. My husband actually had to call in and miss work because I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a child. I'd lay there and cry and wonder why I couldn't feel better? Why can't I be happy? What was wrong with me? Crippling depression. But looking back now I can also see I wasn't TRYING to feel better either.
When you're in the midst of it thought, it doesn't feel like you have a choice to try to feel better. That's where it's scary. That's when people take their lives. When you're so out of touch with the world and reality, when you absolutely FEEL down to your bones that you're life is not worth living... when you feel like there is no reason to go on. It seems like the "easy" way out is to just end it. But if you can distance yourself enough from those feelings and see WHAT the repercussions would be to ending it. How it's a permanent decision when the problem is usually temporary. If you can change your perspective... even if it's for just a moment, you can see that things can get better.
Every day is a struggle for so many people. No one's life is perfect. Finding ways to cope with your emotions, thoughts and memories. Those are the best chances you'll have at bringing happiness back to your life and moving on in a beautiful and positive way.
You may eventually be the person helping someone else in life. You may be the one using YOUR story to encourage and potentially save others. But you have to be here to do that. The world needs you. We all need each other.
#WeAllMatter
xoxo Mandi
Friday, February 6, 2015
illness and wellness and everything in between
When "I" is replaced by "We,"
"illness" becomes "wellness."
As much as I hate to admit it, as human beings... we NEED each other.
Trust me.
I can be as antisocial as they come at times. Like. Not leave my house
for three days type of antisocial.
Not answering calls.
Not returning messages.
I always end up feeling bad. And it's never that I'm angry towards the person I'm avoiding.
It's me avoiding life in general.
The funny part is, when I come out of my funk and say "hey, come over and hang out,"
or I pick up the phone and make that long overdue call... I feel better.
I can share my load with my friends. They can take my calls when I'm crying because I'm sad
and have me crying tears of laughter by the end of the call.
I know they are my real friends because no matter what, they still show up or call
no matter how crappy of a friend I am to them sometimes by avoiding them.
I don't have a LOT of friends, but I don't need a lot of friends. I need people that will
love me and not judge me for the way my brain works... cos I feel like there isn't much
about my brain that works normally. I'm learning to embrace that. But, they've always embraced
my quirky weirdness and have always encouraged me to be myself.
Being myself and opening my heart and mind to you all is so scary... but as my best friend Lisa keeps reminding me "if you're dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough."
See what I mean? My friends are amazing.
The things I say in this blog and on my #WeAllMatter are all based on MY experiences
and opinions. I'm not a trained professional and I do not claim to speak for everyone.
I'm just speaking from my heart, in hopes that maybe I can help someone out there that
feels like they're alone.
Cos, trust me... you're not alone darling. You're not alone.
The trouble with mental illness {there are MANY troubles with it, but let's start small}
is that it's invisible and those that are hurting feel like they need to remain silent lest they
be judged... and being judged will typically cause someone that is hurting to spiral further
out of control.
We isolate ourselves because we're afraid of what others will think, and then we get more sad
because we're alone.
Believe me. Just reading what I'm writing sounds ridiculous to me too, but it's honest to goodness the way my brain works. And I know I'm not alone.
Mental illness, especially depression is like the most intense form of bullying in existence.
It comes from within and it's constant, never ending.
I'll dive into the whole outsider kids/adults/everyone bullying each other issue at another time but for now, if you don't know what it's like to be depressed just imagine there is a bully there, next to you 24/7 telling you that you're worthless, you'll never amount to anything, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid... I mean this is seriously how some people live their daily lives. Fighting those words in their heads. If anyone has ever said anything mean to you, it sticks in your brain and you fixate. I actually had someone tell me one time that "your kids will suffer in life because they have YOU as a mother."
Imagine.
That was about 5 years ago and I STILL take that to heart, I still worry I'm screwing my kids up and even though I can consider the source and know that the person that said that to me must be a very hurt person inside to want to hurt someone else like that... it still gets me.
I've done the same thing. I've said mean things out of hurt and anger. We all have. I have also had to accept apologies that I've never actually gotten because if I hadn't, well I'd be an even bigger mess than I already am... and lawdy aint nobody got time for that!
My mom told me one time "you can compliment someone a million times and they won't remember it, but insult them once and they'll never remember a kind word you ever said to them." How true is that?
Can you see though? How some people just can't take it anymore? They just feel like there is no other choice but to end their lives... Maybe you still can't understand it but it is VERY real for millions of people every single day of their lives.
This is why we need to make more resources available to EVERYONE, especially our youth. And we need to have open dialogue. We need to not be afraid to talk about these things.
This is why we NEED each other.
If you have a friend, that you know suffers from mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out to them.
If you have depression or any other mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out for help.
If you don't know what to say, just say let them know that you're there for them. And let someone know you need them to be there for you. We can't fight mental illness on our own, but no one can help us if they don't know we need help.
As humans we occupy this planet together. We are intertwined in ways we don't even realize and may never even know...
For More Information on Suicide Prevention
Xoxo Mandi
"illness" becomes "wellness."
As much as I hate to admit it, as human beings... we NEED each other.
Trust me.
I can be as antisocial as they come at times. Like. Not leave my house
for three days type of antisocial.
Not answering calls.
Not returning messages.
I always end up feeling bad. And it's never that I'm angry towards the person I'm avoiding.
It's me avoiding life in general.
The funny part is, when I come out of my funk and say "hey, come over and hang out,"
or I pick up the phone and make that long overdue call... I feel better.
I can share my load with my friends. They can take my calls when I'm crying because I'm sad
and have me crying tears of laughter by the end of the call.
I know they are my real friends because no matter what, they still show up or call
no matter how crappy of a friend I am to them sometimes by avoiding them.
I don't have a LOT of friends, but I don't need a lot of friends. I need people that will
love me and not judge me for the way my brain works... cos I feel like there isn't much
about my brain that works normally. I'm learning to embrace that. But, they've always embraced
my quirky weirdness and have always encouraged me to be myself.
Being myself and opening my heart and mind to you all is so scary... but as my best friend Lisa keeps reminding me "if you're dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough."
See what I mean? My friends are amazing.
The things I say in this blog and on my #WeAllMatter are all based on MY experiences
and opinions. I'm not a trained professional and I do not claim to speak for everyone.
I'm just speaking from my heart, in hopes that maybe I can help someone out there that
feels like they're alone.
Cos, trust me... you're not alone darling. You're not alone.
The trouble with mental illness {there are MANY troubles with it, but let's start small}
is that it's invisible and those that are hurting feel like they need to remain silent lest they
be judged... and being judged will typically cause someone that is hurting to spiral further
out of control.
We isolate ourselves because we're afraid of what others will think, and then we get more sad
because we're alone.
Believe me. Just reading what I'm writing sounds ridiculous to me too, but it's honest to goodness the way my brain works. And I know I'm not alone.
Mental illness, especially depression is like the most intense form of bullying in existence.
It comes from within and it's constant, never ending.
I'll dive into the whole outsider kids/adults/everyone bullying each other issue at another time but for now, if you don't know what it's like to be depressed just imagine there is a bully there, next to you 24/7 telling you that you're worthless, you'll never amount to anything, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid... I mean this is seriously how some people live their daily lives. Fighting those words in their heads. If anyone has ever said anything mean to you, it sticks in your brain and you fixate. I actually had someone tell me one time that "your kids will suffer in life because they have YOU as a mother."
Imagine.
That was about 5 years ago and I STILL take that to heart, I still worry I'm screwing my kids up and even though I can consider the source and know that the person that said that to me must be a very hurt person inside to want to hurt someone else like that... it still gets me.
I've done the same thing. I've said mean things out of hurt and anger. We all have. I have also had to accept apologies that I've never actually gotten because if I hadn't, well I'd be an even bigger mess than I already am... and lawdy aint nobody got time for that!
My mom told me one time "you can compliment someone a million times and they won't remember it, but insult them once and they'll never remember a kind word you ever said to them." How true is that?
Can you see though? How some people just can't take it anymore? They just feel like there is no other choice but to end their lives... Maybe you still can't understand it but it is VERY real for millions of people every single day of their lives.
This is why we need to make more resources available to EVERYONE, especially our youth. And we need to have open dialogue. We need to not be afraid to talk about these things.
This is why we NEED each other.
If you have a friend, that you know suffers from mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out to them.
If you have depression or any other mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out for help.
If you don't know what to say, just say let them know that you're there for them. And let someone know you need them to be there for you. We can't fight mental illness on our own, but no one can help us if they don't know we need help.
As humans we occupy this planet together. We are intertwined in ways we don't even realize and may never even know...
For More Information on Suicide Prevention
Xoxo Mandi
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Now Is The Time...
#WeAllMatter
Over the past few days I've been slamming my social media with the hashtag We All Matter.
Because. We do.
You do. I do.
No matter how crappy you feel. How insignificant your life might seem. You matter.
You are here for a reason. You may have no f*cking clue what that reason is, but you're not here
by mistake.
If you stop to think about how perfectly the stars had to align to bring you forth into this crazy ass world... there is no way you're here by accident.
Maybe you weren't "planned," I wasn't. Actually I'm fairly certain my parents were very ill equipped {based on their own upbringings} to have a child, let alone two. But alas, here I am. I'm alive. I'm well{ish} and at the age of almost 31 I'm beginning to thrive.
Something I never in my life thought I'd say. Me. Thriving. Still seems like a foreign concept... trust me.
As a teenager I was the artsy weirdo. I had some friends but I also know I was made fun of a lot behind my back. As an adolescent I was bullied a lot.
Kids are mean.
It's just the way things are. But now. Now in the age of social media and kids wanting to grow up too fast... it's just so much harder.
I was talking to a really nice woman in town today. She has two teenage daughters and I feel like this concept pulled at her heart as much as it is pulling at mine... and she can't understand it either. The way kids treat each other.
The way adults treat each other.
She said something to the effect that we all need to celebrate our differences. I couldn't agree more.
I'm not going to make this first blog post too long and blab on and on.
I just want to try to explain that the #WeAllMatter movement is just that. A movement.
If your heart, your spirit... your soul is broken. It can mend.
In the coming days, weeks and months I'll be sharing more of my story. I'll share more of the efforts I'm making to create a legit non-profit organization to raise awareness about depression, mental illness and suicide among children to adults.
I hope to take on public speaking events.
I hope to organize positive engagements that encourage youth to get involved in their communities, not only here in Meeker, Colorado but all over the US and hopefully someday, the world.
Dream big or not at all, right?
In the meantime if you want to be involved in any way please feel free to email me at amandajoneill@live.com
God bless, Namaste and may peace be in your hearts...
Mandi
Over the past few days I've been slamming my social media with the hashtag We All Matter.
Because. We do.
You do. I do.
No matter how crappy you feel. How insignificant your life might seem. You matter.
You are here for a reason. You may have no f*cking clue what that reason is, but you're not here
by mistake.
If you stop to think about how perfectly the stars had to align to bring you forth into this crazy ass world... there is no way you're here by accident.
Maybe you weren't "planned," I wasn't. Actually I'm fairly certain my parents were very ill equipped {based on their own upbringings} to have a child, let alone two. But alas, here I am. I'm alive. I'm well{ish} and at the age of almost 31 I'm beginning to thrive.
Something I never in my life thought I'd say. Me. Thriving. Still seems like a foreign concept... trust me.
As a teenager I was the artsy weirdo. I had some friends but I also know I was made fun of a lot behind my back. As an adolescent I was bullied a lot.
Kids are mean.
It's just the way things are. But now. Now in the age of social media and kids wanting to grow up too fast... it's just so much harder.
I was talking to a really nice woman in town today. She has two teenage daughters and I feel like this concept pulled at her heart as much as it is pulling at mine... and she can't understand it either. The way kids treat each other.
The way adults treat each other.
She said something to the effect that we all need to celebrate our differences. I couldn't agree more.
I'm not going to make this first blog post too long and blab on and on.
I just want to try to explain that the #WeAllMatter movement is just that. A movement.
If your heart, your spirit... your soul is broken. It can mend.
In the coming days, weeks and months I'll be sharing more of my story. I'll share more of the efforts I'm making to create a legit non-profit organization to raise awareness about depression, mental illness and suicide among children to adults.
I hope to take on public speaking events.
I hope to organize positive engagements that encourage youth to get involved in their communities, not only here in Meeker, Colorado but all over the US and hopefully someday, the world.
Dream big or not at all, right?
In the meantime if you want to be involved in any way please feel free to email me at amandajoneill@live.com
God bless, Namaste and may peace be in your hearts...
Mandi
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