illness and wellness and everything in between

When "I" is replaced by "We,"
"illness" becomes "wellness."

As much as I hate to admit it, as human beings... we NEED each other.
Trust me.
I can be as antisocial as they come at times. Like. Not leave my house
for three days type of antisocial.
Not answering calls.
Not returning messages.
I always end up feeling bad. And it's never that I'm angry towards the person I'm avoiding.
It's me avoiding life in general.
The funny part is, when I come out of my funk and say "hey, come over and hang out,"
or I pick up the phone and make that long overdue call... I feel better.
I can share my load with my friends. They can take my calls when I'm crying because I'm sad
and have me crying tears of laughter by the end of the call.
I know they are my real friends because no matter what, they still show up or call
no matter how crappy of a friend I am to them sometimes by avoiding them.
I don't have a LOT of friends, but I don't need a lot of friends. I need people that will
love me and not judge me for the way my brain works... cos I feel like there isn't much
about my brain that works normally. I'm learning to embrace that. But, they've always embraced
my quirky weirdness and have always encouraged me to be myself.
Being myself and opening my heart and mind to you all is so scary... but as my best friend Lisa keeps reminding me "if you're dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough."
See what I mean? My friends are amazing.

The things I say in this blog and on my #WeAllMatter are all based on MY experiences
and opinions. I'm not a trained professional and I do not claim to speak for everyone.
I'm just speaking from my heart, in hopes that maybe I can help someone out there that
feels like they're alone.
Cos, trust me... you're not alone darling. You're not alone.

The trouble with mental illness {there are MANY troubles with it, but let's start small}
is that it's invisible and those that are hurting feel like they need to remain silent lest they
be judged... and being judged will typically cause someone that is hurting to spiral further
out of control. 
We isolate ourselves because we're afraid of what others will think, and then we get more sad
because we're alone.
Believe me. Just reading what I'm writing sounds ridiculous to me too, but it's honest to goodness the way my brain works. And I know I'm not alone.

Mental illness, especially depression is like the most intense form of bullying in existence.
It comes from within and it's constant, never ending.
I'll dive into the whole outsider kids/adults/everyone bullying each other issue at another time but for now, if you don't know what it's like to be depressed just imagine there is a bully there, next to you 24/7 telling you that you're worthless, you'll never amount to anything, you're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid... I mean this is seriously how some people live their daily lives. Fighting those words in their heads. If anyone has ever said anything mean to you, it sticks in your brain and you fixate. I actually had someone tell me one time that "your kids will suffer in life because they have YOU as a mother."
Imagine.
That was about 5 years ago and I STILL take that to heart, I still worry I'm screwing my kids up and even though I can consider the source and know that the person that said that to me must be a very hurt person inside to want to hurt someone else like that... it still gets me.
I've done the same thing. I've said mean things out of hurt and anger. We all have. I have also had to accept apologies that I've never actually gotten because if I hadn't, well I'd be an even bigger mess than I already am... and lawdy aint nobody got time for that!
My mom told me one time "you can compliment someone a million times and they won't remember it, but insult them once and they'll never remember a kind word you ever said to them." How true is that?
Can you see though? How some people just can't take it anymore? They just feel like there is no other choice but to end their lives... Maybe you still can't understand it but it is VERY real for millions of people every single day of their lives.
This is why we need to make more resources available to EVERYONE, especially our youth. And we need to have open dialogue. We need to not be afraid to talk about these things.

This is why we NEED each other.
If you have a friend, that you know suffers from mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out to them.
If you have depression or any other mental illness... don't be afraid to reach out for help.
If you don't know what to say, just say let them know that you're there for them. And let someone know you need them to be there for you. We can't fight mental illness on our own, but no one can help us if they don't know we need help.

As humans we occupy this planet together. We are intertwined in ways we don't even realize and may never even know...

For More Information on Suicide Prevention

Xoxo Mandi

Now Is The Time...

#WeAllMatter

Over the past few days I've been slamming my social media with the hashtag We All Matter.
Because. We do.
You do. I do.
No matter how crappy you feel. How insignificant your life might seem. You matter.
You are here for a reason. You may have no f*cking clue what that reason is, but you're not here
by mistake.
If you stop to think about how perfectly the stars had to align to bring you forth into this crazy ass world... there is no way you're here by accident.
Maybe you weren't "planned," I wasn't. Actually I'm fairly certain my parents were very ill equipped {based on their own upbringings} to have a child, let alone two. But alas, here I am. I'm alive. I'm well{ish} and at the age of almost 31 I'm beginning to thrive.
Something I never in my life thought I'd say. Me. Thriving. Still seems like a foreign concept... trust me.
As a teenager I was the artsy weirdo. I had some friends but I also know I was made fun of a lot behind my back. As an adolescent I was bullied a lot.
Kids are mean.
It's just the way things are. But now. Now in the age of social media and kids wanting to grow up too fast... it's just so much harder.
I was talking to a really nice woman in town today. She has two teenage daughters and I feel like this concept pulled at her heart as much as it is pulling at mine... and she can't understand it either. The way kids treat each other.
The way adults treat each other.
She said something to the effect that we all need to celebrate our differences. I couldn't agree more.
I'm not going to make this first blog post too long and blab on and on.
I just want to try to explain that the #WeAllMatter movement is just that. A movement.
If your heart, your spirit... your soul is broken. It can mend.
In the coming days, weeks and months I'll be sharing more of my story. I'll share more of the efforts I'm making to create a legit non-profit organization to raise awareness about depression, mental illness and suicide among children to adults.
I hope to take on public speaking events.
I hope to organize positive engagements that encourage youth to get involved in their communities, not only here in Meeker, Colorado but all over the US and hopefully someday, the world.
Dream big or not at all, right?

In the meantime if you want to be involved in any way please feel free to email me at amandajoneill@live.com

God bless, Namaste and may peace be in your hearts...

Mandi